Not now. Any simple thing. A word, a gesture, a facial expression, just about anything could trigger the bomb in me. Then I frown. I sulk. I keep quite. Or I talk like I'm shouting.
Anger is very hard to suppress.
For a very long time, I never let out my anger openly. Only when things get beyond my control, I cry. It's always tears of anger. I cry till I can't cry anymore then I vomit it all out to someone. A close friend usually.
Not now. I dare myself to spill the hatred out. I dare myself to act like my angry self. To do things my otherwise-patient-self would not do, for the sake of not hurting others. I dare myself to hurt others.
And I hate myself after that.
That is, if I hurt people who didn't do anything to me. Who might be oblivious to what sparked my anger. Who might have no idea at all that they were the one who made my upset.
I would apologize later on. When all the damage is done. When I feel so helplessly sorry. I would apologize.
If you hurt me first. If you do something you know would make me throw up flames. Then I have no qualms making your life miserable. Or I'll simply cut you off completely. You mean nothing to me then.
It's rare. RARE. That I lose my temper. But it happens pretty often now.
I think I lost myself somewhere. I lost the ability to be optimistic. Lost the chill factor. Lost the child in me. I lost me. My dreams. My ambition. My will to do things that matter. Fuck.
I don't wanna be a lost case.
Four years. For four years now, I've been trying to collect myself. Restore myself. I want to feel like myself. Not behaving like what I'm expected by others. But it's becoming a habit. And habits are not easy to get rid of.
To myself,
If you have to, gather your guts. Use it for beneficial purposes. Using your guts to harm in any way, is a cowardly act.
If it's necessary, stand up. Stand up for yourself. For people you care for. For what you know is right. Otherwise, shut up.
Now, go sit in a corner and think of what you've done today. Learn. And grow up. Mature from the lessons you've learned. And never forget.
But with that idiot brain, I doubt you'll remember anything past midnight. Try anyway, okay.
6 comments:
Is toa doing this to you dear. If so, then ur not alone. i yell a lot at innocent ppl too but the most important thing is knowing you have wronged. Habits are tough but we need to fight it regardless
don't worry. we're all wearing your shoes. just holla me, i'll be your punchbuddy XD. yeah he's fine now, in regards to your comment on my blogpost. i cursed alot when morons like goverment slaves don't know how to understand an emergency when they see one. XD and that was a day after, meaning straight after i came back from the hospital. needed to vent XD take care ah hiao. don't worry, we all lose ourselves often, but it's how we gain back our identities on the way that matters =) BEARHUGS!
hey dear,
don't be too hard on yourself. the moment you realise things is already the first step towards change if that is what you're seeking for.
confronting yourself face to face, eye to eye, setiap urat rambut to another (threatening to punch your own reflection in the mirror)is already half the journey XD (wahhh just learnt how to use this emoticon or watever it is called).
cheer up and don't fret the unnecessary...as long as you're aware of your own 'self', you're good. *huggss*
kaiiii..
toa's contribution is just partly..that's even worse..i think i'd like it better if i can blame toa for this whole thing hahah!
yepp..for the stupid habit..still trying to get rid of it..
sanndeeeee..
sanndee sanndee sanndee..
*EVENBIGGERBEARHUGSSQUEEEEEZE!!!*
thanks woman :)
b!
thanks..i confronted my setiap urat rambut alright..okay maybe i left out a few strands..but man it was tough..
i'll manage baa..i guess..
hugs to you toooo!
*squeeeze!* XD
*you! rambut! your turn!*
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