Thursday, August 26, 2010

*toot toot*

The number you have dialed cannot be reached at the moment.
Please try again (much) later.
Thank you.
Nombor yang anda dial tidak dapat dihubungi.
Sila cuba sebentar lagi.
Trima kasih.
Ni shuo bo de dian hua...
*bu zhi dao bu zhi dao bu zhi dao*
Xie xie.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

i painted


Shoes: provided by cousin.
Materials: eeny weeny brush and acrylic paint.
Paint job started: February 2010
Paint job ended: August 2010

Ini lah tarak guna punya freelancer.
Oh well.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

i admit

I had an affair last night.

But gawd it felt good.

I'd do it again. Anytime.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Rose says,

"We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing.

"There are only four secrets to staying young. Being happy. Achieving success. You have to laugh and find humour everyday. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die.

"We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it!

"There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up.

"Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change. Have no regrets.

"They elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear deaths are those with regrets..."

***Growing older is mandatory. Growing up is optional.


I use to think I'm a patient person. I have GREAT amount of patience. I can stand annoyance and buggers and anything related to the word "irritation" for a very salute-able length of time.

Not now. Any simple thing. A word, a gesture, a facial expression, just about anything could trigger the bomb in me. Then I frown. I sulk. I keep quite. Or I talk like I'm shouting.

Anger is very hard to suppress.

For a very long time, I never let out my anger openly. Only when things get beyond my control, I cry. It's always tears of anger. I cry till I can't cry anymore then I vomit it all out to someone. A close friend usually.

Not now. I dare myself to spill the hatred out. I dare myself to act like my angry self. To do things my otherwise-patient-self would not do, for the sake of not hurting others. I dare myself to hurt others.

And I hate myself after that.

That is, if I hurt people who didn't do anything to me. Who might be oblivious to what sparked my anger. Who might have no idea at all that they were the one who made my upset.

I would apologize later on. When all the damage is done. When I feel so helplessly sorry. I would apologize.

If you hurt me first. If you do something you know would make me throw up flames. Then I have no qualms making your life miserable. Or I'll simply cut you off completely. You mean nothing to me then.

It's rare. RARE. That I lose my temper. But it happens pretty often now.

I think I lost myself somewhere. I lost the ability to be optimistic. Lost the chill factor. Lost the child in me. I lost me. My dreams. My ambition. My will to do things that matter. Fuck.
I don't wanna be a lost case.

Four years. For four years now, I've been trying to collect myself. Restore myself. I want to feel like myself. Not behaving like what I'm expected by others. But it's becoming a habit. And habits are not easy to get rid of.

To myself,
If you have to, gather your guts. Use it for beneficial purposes. Using your guts to harm in any way, is a cowardly act.

If it's necessary, stand up. Stand up for yourself. For people you care for. For what you know is right. Otherwise, shut up.

Now, go sit in a corner and think of what you've done today. Learn. And grow up. Mature from the lessons you've learned. And never forget.

But with that idiot brain, I doubt you'll remember anything past midnight. Try anyway, okay.